Have you ever stopped and asked yourself “Why am I here?”, “Where am I heading?”, “What is my purpose?”, “Is it worth it?” such questions bothers us every now and then, but still we haven’t find any answers.
Sometimes I felt that I am going the wrong way, doing something that I might regret. But why, why couldn’t we simply take the other way? Why couldn’t we stop doing the things that in the future we might regret? Why keep moving forward.
I got a chance to communicate with my father. It has been a while since I last saw him at grandfather’s funeral. I told him my plans in life. I never expected any answer or advice from him, I just did that in order for me to move on.
Never did I longed for my father since he left us when I was at the age of 12. I already accepted him being far away. Since my childhood, he was never around, which usually happens when you have no other choice but to leave your family behind in order to support them. In my father’s case, he works for a couple of years abroad then goes back home for a couple of months then goes back abroad again. So we never really got the time to bond and know each other.
My mother was my source of information about him. She and I talked about him a couple of times. We talked about what he was like, who he really was and why he left. Every time I listen to my mother, I couldn’t help and asked myself, “Will I become him someday?”.
I felt empty inside, I don’t want to be like him but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my soon to be family experience what I have with him. But how? Where should I start? What should I do? Does history really repeats itself? Will I take the karma for what my father did to us? I can’t seem to find the answers to this questions. All I could think of is nothing.
I’ve spent time thinking about it and I made a decision. I’ve decided follow my heart. I’ll just face the things that my father couldn’t. I’ll raise my own family and give them what he couldn’t give us… and that’s my choice and my answer.